New Beginnings, Second Chances

I am so fucking grateful for reprieves, however they show up. I loved moving down to SCz and starting a new life because it felt like a chance at a new beginning - a nearly clean slate that I was dying to mark up with pretty colored chalk. I knew I was the same person as when I left, but the opportunity to practice all the life skills I've learned in the last few years in the forging of this new life is rare, and I appreciate it.

In learning these life skills, I've become so grateful for second chances. As I told a friend recently, the big lesson I'm learning is I can't be a complete bitch to people and expect no reaction; though I've always said I know that the world doesn't revolve around me, and prided myself on that self-awareness, my ego still has a tendency to speak for me when its hurt, which leaves those on the receiving end just as confused and hurt as me. So when I fuck up, its such a blessing to get a second chance, and I'm done screwing those up, too.

So here's to a new year, a new stage, a new perspective and a new outlook, and may all of these continually grow and change, cuz I like when life keeps me on my toes!

Trans Cereal

Similar to my last post, I'm thinking a lot about the shortcomings of words and language lately, especially as I sit down to write my first response paper for my Fem Theories class. Most of the things we talk about in Fem Studies (Trans Studies in particular) are the things no one is talking about. Ever try using spell check on a fem studies paper? Most of the words we use are (SAT word comin' at ya, brace yourselves) neologisms: n. a newly coined word or expression. If you've ever worked with MS Word, you know that the spell check dictionary is already pretty weak, so peer reading/re-reading is essential to make sure "cisgendered" "medicalized" and "intersectionality" are spelled correctly.

Like I mentioned with the last post about gender-neutral pronouns, messing with language is essential to resistance. Even though we have to use it, language is created, reified and enforced by the same dominant culture we're trying to give a run for its money, and spell check confusion is just the first of many roadblocks.

Another of my favorite vlogs from Red, posted especially for you fellow cisgendered folks out there!

i r collage stoodint

Ok, I don't feel that dumb, but the first few weeks here at UCSC have made startling clear how long I've been out of school. I've already learned not to try to read without a dictionary close by, and sometimes I feel like my skull needs to expand to make room for everything. Its not just the information that's challenging, its the whole new way of thinking and critiquing the world around us. Feminist studies is concerned with examining constructs that we accept as "normal" in our everyday lives and questioning why we think that way.

Concrete example: pronouns. Why do we feel the need to place everyone we meet into the binary gender categories? How do you know that that person you read as a guy likes to be referred to as such? After their name, isn't a person's gender the next thing you need to pin down? Why?

Here's a challenge: try referring to everyone you talk about using the gender-neutral pronouns "they/their". Notice how important it is to gender people into one of two restrictive gender categories. Yes, this will require fucking with grammar, but notice as you do that how the very language we speak is embedded with this binary gender system.

Please comment and let me know how it goes - I'd love for this blog to be more of a conversation, loquacious as I am.

I leave you with my new favorite video blogger, thanks to my trans studies prof:

Weekenders vs Lifestyle

Bicyclists are something you see a lot of at Farmers' Markets, but there are two distinctive types:

1. Cyclists who ride everyday, whose bike is their main mode of transportation. Bicycle cap optional. Tattoos a must. Black rimmed glasses recommended.

2. Weekenders. You know, the 30-something professional who heard on NPR that riding bikes is good for you, and read an article in The New Yorker about how farmers' markets are the fastest growing food market in the U.S. So they dust off their pastel fixed gear Trek cruiser with the basket on the front, don their expensive helmets and head down to the market to purchase produce that will probably go bad before its used.

I love observing folks at these markets. You can tell a lot about people by watching them in the farmers' market environment.

Deep Breath

So I think I've decided to get an AS in Business from Skyline. I've been in school for so long, and I just want something to show for it. If I ever decide to get a Bachelor's it won't be in business or any science, it will be in some kind of liberal art, so an AS in Business will make me very well rounded on paper. I think I only need 9 more classes, as an added bonus, and its very relevant to my future goals, at the moment.

I'd love to open my own specialty coffee/roasting business. This changeover was a lot of work, but it's been well received, and I'm in the process of creating a cupping class for anyone who wants to attend. Now that Starbucks is serving instant coffee, there's even more room for me to open people's eyes! I would like to be the one who's making the money though, instead of getting paid too little for way too much work. So if I get my own shop, and I know how to run it, I could be really successful. I think I'll start meditating on it, sending positive vibes into the universe, bla bla bla.

Choir is going really well. T. is such a beautiful person, being around him and creating music with him is a positive experience. I like going to church, it's a disciplined activity where I'm forced to be silent and self reflective. I take from it the parts that feed me, and leave the other parts for other people.

Here we go, into another week. Pray for me in your own way, for patience, humility, kindness and understanding in all that I do. I'll pray for your health and general well-being, and thankfulness that you're in my life :)

Home Safely!

And glad to be! NWRBC was everything I'd hoped for and more! My palate has developed significantly over the last 4 days, and I'm ready to start training P. to compete in the WRBC 2010. Will post pictures of my awesome swag etc, but after the 6 hour drive from Ashland this morning, I'm ready for bed.

It's also time to get back to work -- I'll be at the cart at 8am tomorrow getting ready to open with a new face in one week!!

Boys or Girls?

Yes!

I'm so amazed that I can have the same degree of desire for dudes and chicks. I love that I don't have to limit myself to someone's sex, or sexual orientation for that matter ;) I'm looking for a person, and what's between your legs really has no bearing on whether I like you or not. I sort of thought I was over the whole "girl thing" for awhile, but, lo and behold, I find myself attracted to another girl. It really is all about personality for me, and I am super picky on that basis, so the playing field for me is really no bigger than someone who is "straight" or "gay", it just looks really different.

Working on my mixes for the roadtrip, looking forward to irritating P. to no end with hours and hours of hip-hop and pop, along with some stuff I know we'll both like. Hey, I had to listen to the Allman Brothers incessantly for an entire semester -- time for some payback, betch!

Favorite song at the moment?

Womanizer. (You call me crazy/I've got your crazy)

Fuck yeah.